As all tech industry observers are aware, the twin pillars of a successful startup are **cost shifting** (i.e. _user generated labor_) and **regulatory arbitrage** (i.e. _tax avoidance_).

For years, **Facebook** had its users write its content for it, and **Amazon** has avoided sales tax. **Google's** famous "[PageRank][]" algorithm gets every website in the world to do the hard work of ranking links for them, and **Apple** successfully avoided billions of dollars in taxation at the cost of [a few awkward meetings][tim apple]. The greatest unicorns do both, like **Uber** and **AirBnB**, which avoid fare taxes and hotel taxes respectively, while pushing the costs and risks of car and property ownership onto their "partners." **YouTube** and **Instagram** have even managed to [work around child labor laws][influencers] by the simple expedient of not paying their content producers. It's win-win<i>!</i>

Looking at this competitive landscape, it is clear that if _The Ethically-Trained Programmer_ is ever going to "exit", I need to find a novel tax to scofflaw and a way to force my inventory costs onto my "partners".

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Dear Readers, today I am pleased to announce **Bummr™**, the greatest startup idea and investment opportunity of all time.

Suppose, like many of today's digitally-connected, extremely online cybernetizens, you are jonesing for a cigarette right about now. Cigarettes contain natural "NCTN oils" that temporarily promote a sense of well-being and reduced anxiety. **Bummr** will show you affiliate partners in your area that you can **Bumm™** a smoke from. This circumvents onerous tobacco taxes while helping the environment by promoting efficient tobacco distribution. (Did you know that most packs of cigarettes spend the whole day idling in someone's back pocket?) **Bummr** uses patent pending "cloud technology" to help users identify one another by sense of smell alone. Simply approach a **Bummr** affiliate, say "Hey, can I **Bumm** a Marlboro Lite?" and get back to your connected, active lifestyle. **Bummr** replaces the need for unhealthy activities like checking Facebook or shaking your damn head while reading Twitter. Unlike Juul, which relies on teenagers and expensive lithium ion batteries, **Bummr** is used by all ages and compatible with all popular brands of cigarettes, cigars, and artisanal handrolled "craft smokes" as well.†


<small>† Compatibility with cigarillos still in beta testing.</small>

* * *

But what about the partners? What, you may ask, incentives them to **Bumm Out™** loosies?

Introducing the greatest [Initial Coin Offering][] since the Spanish doubloon: **OCaml Cash™**. (A note on the name: our mysterious lead programmer, Haibyō Satsujin, is a [functional programming][] aficionado.)

[functional programming]: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/OCaml

For centuries, cigarettes have served as defacto currencies in carceral systems, disaster sites, and warzones. Now with **Bummr** and **OCaml Cash**, the convenience and security of tobacco-based finance can be brought into the digital age with **PackChain™** technology. By collecting **OCaml Cash** points, affiliate partners can be rewarded with T-shirts, fannie packs, breath mints, GoFundMe campaign promotions, and individual cigarettes.‡

<small>‡ Offer of cigarettes for **OCaml Cash** subject to regulatory approval.</small>

* * *

Of course, **Bummr** is a woke bae, fam and acknowledges that traditional Native American ceremonial pipes are `#notyourcostume` and great damage was done by centuries of oppressive tobacco farming techniques. To offset this, we commit to ensuring that **Bummr** is available for women, historically underrepresented minority groups, and other intersectional identities. **Get lit!™** 🔥🔥🔥 `#bummrcares` `#blacklungsmatter` `#translungsarehumanlungs`

## Bummr: Invest today for a cloudier tomorrow! 🚬

<small>*Surgeon General's Warning: Investing involves risk. Past lung performance not a guarantee of future performance. Consult your mortician before using Bummr. Now seeking angel and devil investors. [T-zone round](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CT_uEV3q_ak) expected next year.*</small>

[influencers]: https://www.theguardian.com/media/2019/apr/24/its-not-play-if-youre-making-money-how-instagram-and-youtube-disrupted-child-labor-laws
[tim apple]: https://www.businessinsider.com/president-trump-calls-apple-ceo-tim-cook-tim-apple-2019-3
[PageRank]: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PageRank
[Initial Coin Offering]: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Initial_coin_offering